Tiger Moms

by Charles Aaron Davis

My son is failing. Failing classes. Failing life. He never pays attention in class and does zero homework. All he ever does is play video games and “tweet” his friends. What in the world am I going to do? What can I do to prepare him for the mountain of responsibilities he is going to face in the near future? How can I teach him to be disciplined and constructive with his time? Many parents all over the world have this problem and are at a loss. Some feel like they have failed their child. Some parents even go as far as putting their child in extreme boot camps so that they can get the child’s life back on track. Boot camp is one option, but there are alternatives. One alternative is becoming a “Tiger Parent”. This Op-ed will be focusing on three benefits for being a tiger parent. First, high standards breeds success, second, promotes the mastery in a skill, and finally promotes organization and self-discipline.

            My first point in promoting tiger parenting is the correlation between having high standards and success. When I was in middle school I was on the baseball team. I was horrible at the sport. But my coach and my parents all told me “good job” after the games. I knew that I didn’t do a good job. I thought that they were either lying to me or that they didn’t really care. I sometimes wish that they pushed me a little more. I wish they told me that I did ok, but that I still need to practice more. I understand they were just being considerate of my feelings but the results were actually the opposite than their intentions. If my parents had higher standards I think I would have worked harder. I would work harder to have more confidence in myself. Every time I struck out and heard good job after each swing made me less and less confident because I knew I wasn’t doing a good job. If my parents were more like a tiger parent I know I could reach my full potential and then have confidence in my accomplishments.

Another benefit of having high standards is that is creates resilience. When my parents always told me that I did well in something that I know that I clearly didn’t created this sense of acceptance. I accepted what my parents told me and believed that I did indeed do a good job. I didn’t feel like I needed to challenge myself because I thought that I already did a “good job” so I didn’t need work harder. I would typically walk into every situation with this sense of confidence; that I would always do a good job in everything because that was what everyone always told me. I remember when I had a math test; I wasn’t worried because I thought that I would do well because I had this false sense of confidence. I got zero out of ten. After seeing that mark, I was not only confused but devastated. I couldn’t understand how I could get every single question wrong. I had no sense of resiliency against failure. My parent’s response was “Don’t worry, you did a good job. Better luck next time.” I was very even more confused because I was being told again that I did a good job. I thought that my parents were blind to the fact that I completely failed the math test. I was also confused because it seemed “luck” was a factor into my future grades. If my parents were more direct with me and said that I could do better I could gain more resiliencies towards failure. If they told me that if I worked harder and studied more, then my grades would be better, then I would know what I would need to do in order to become better. I would go into future tests with the resiliency towards failure and the confidence in my abilities then I would have more faith in myself. I would have learned that I could depend on my skills and not a false sense of accomplishment or luck.

My second points on why I wish my parents were more like tiger parents is that I was never persuaded to master a skill. You can’t teach old dog new tricks. I now know that this is not always true. People can master skills as they get older but we also know that some skills can only be learned in our childhood. Research suggests that when multiple languages are learned before the age of 5 that the skill to learn future languages is far greater. My parents never promoted me to learn another language other than English. As an adult I can speak 2 other languages. I completed my high school education at a private American school in Mexico and while there I naturally learned Spanish. Years later I have kept most of my Spanish despite not using it on a daily basis. For the past 10 years I have been living in Korea and find learning Korean to be a extremely difficult language to master. I have been studying but I feel that my brain does not retain as much information as it once did. Even the act of remembering where I put my car keys can be a challenge. I wonder that if my parents promoted more languages as a child, then my Korean would be better. If my parents insisted on learning multiple languages then I feel like I would also have more potential as an adult. I believe that I would have more dedication to a set of skills and the drive to master those skills. I know that if I as completely bilingual in Korean and English then I could have a competitive edge over the people who aren’t. If my parents were more insistent on my accomplishments then as an adult I would be more successful. I would learn to push myself to master a skill to make my life and career more prominent.

 Finally, another skill I wish I learned when I was younger was organizational and self-discipline. I remember growing up that my backpack was always a mess. Half the time I didn’t know where my text book was and the other half I never had a pencil. When I did do my homework in was often crumpled up at the bottom on my backpack. I would constantly forget assignments and tests. Even to this day, I struggle with organizational skills. I struggle not only with physically organizing my work but also with time-management. My parents were very hands-off when it came to school. They would only get involved when I was failing a class. They would put me to summer school to retake classes I failed. More often than not, it didn’t really help get to the root on the problem. I don’t think that I failed the classes because I didn’t understand the content but I wasn’t organized enough to know what I had to do. I feel that if my parents were more like tiger parents then they could teach me how to be more organized. Organizational skills are not something that only children need but every adult as well.

In middle school classes finished at 3. After class my parents told me to go out and play and so that is what I did. They never offered outside classes or to join clubs. These things were not offered from a lack of time or money. I feel that they never thought that I would be interested in learning a new skill. Even I did not know what I was interested in. I feel that if my parents were more directly involved in my life and insisted that I try out new areas of learning then my life would have benefited greatly. I now play the classical guitar and I love it! I did not know that I loved playing the guitar until I was in my 30s. Once I found out that I loved playing the guitar I had mixed feelings. I felt the joy for realizing how much happiness playing the guitar brought me. However, I felt frustration and anger for all the time I lost. I constantly wonder how my life would have changed if I picked up a guitar when I was, say 2. Would I still have the job I have now or would my life be the same. Honestly, I don’t think so. I feel that if my parents were more like tiger parents then I could discover who I really was and the discipline that comes with that discovery. If I learned that I loved the guitar then I would have been so dedicated to learning, much more than I am today. I would learn how to be self-disciplined in not only guitar but who knows how many other skills. If my parents insisted that I sit in my room for a set number of hours studying and refining my skills, then the person I know today would be radically different. 

To be sure, high standards, mastery in a skill, learning organizational skill and obtaining self-discipline come at a price. Everything comes at one price or another. Would I have conflicts with my parents because of their strict standards? Sure. Would I have been stressed and not have the same type of social skills I have today? Probably. Would I have learned how be confident in my abilities and resilient to failure? Would I have learned the necessary organizational and self-discipline skills to be more successful than I am today? Absolutely.

            There is a lot of controversy over being a tiger parents. Many feel that the parents are too strict and focus too much on success. Growing up my parents thought that being social was more important than high grades. As a father and seeing the world as it is, I was unsure which parenting style was better. It is true that I have good social skills but in the job market today, social skills are not always what they large companies are looking for. Many of them want employees who have high SAT scores and 4.0 grade averages. I feel that there are benefits of being a tiger parent. Tiger parents can first, have high standards for their children to allow them to be more confident and resilience against failure. Second, they can promote mastery in a skill. Some skills are best developed during childhood and those skills can help have a competitive edge over the current job market. Finally, tiger parents can teach their children self-discipline and organizational skills which benefit the child their whole lives. Finding a balance of how much to push one’s child is hard. Not all children are the same but they all need to be challenged. It is our responsibility as parents to have our children live up to their potential.