Helicopter Parenting: A Hovering Child-Smothering Epidemic

by Matt Smith

            “I have a confession to make. I have gone to one of my sons' dorms and done his laundry. I have scraped every dirty sock and jersey off of his bedroom floor, carefully separating his debris from that of his two roommates, which was all commingled in one large, reeking mass. I then carried these teeming piles, along with every sheet and towel I could lay my hands on, to his basement and ran six loads of laundry.”

            These are the words of a mother whose 20-year-old son was living far from home while attending university. I was flabbergasted as I read this mother’s account of her hyper-parenting escapades. I could never imagine my mother driving across the state, sneaking into my university dorm room, and doing my laundry. I would have been mortified. Did this parent really think she was helping her son? Are today’s washing machines too sophisticated for 20-year-olds to operate? My mother taught me how to use a washing machine when I was in elementary school. During my young adult years, relying on my mother to do my laundry never crossed my mind. I always thought university-aged students were capable of washing their own clothes or at least taking them to the drycleaner. I guess I was wrong.

            Welcome to the world of helicopter parents. Helicopter parenting, also known as hyper-parenting or over-parenting, is a style of parenting that is afflicting the development of people from infancy all the way into adulthood. Helicopter parents rarely let their children out of sight. They constantly hover above their children in an attempt to prevent any challenges or obstacles in their child's life that they can foresee, therefore "preserving" their childhood, and in many cases, stunting their adulthood. Essentially, they distrust their children's ability to take care of themselves and they are afraid that if they don't keep a tight control over every aspect of their life, harm will come to their children. These children are experiencing an expansion of childhood or adolescence and when they reach adulthood, they often do not know how to fend for themselves. As a teacher, I witness young children of hovering parents who have not developed an age-appropriate level of independence and are not developmentally on par with their peers. 

A recent survey revealed that about ten percent of university freshman have helicopter parents. This epidemic is quickly swallowing our youth and is alarmingly crippling the development of the next generation. Children need to be challenged instead of being coddled if we are going to reverse this child-rearing trend. Dr. Haim Ginott, who coined the term “helicopter parent” in his book Parents & Teenagers, explains, "Failure and challenges teach kids new skills, and, most important, teach kids that they can handle failure and challenges." The consequences of these missed challenges and failures result in decreased confidence and self-esteem, increased anxiety, and underdeveloped life skills. I believe action needs to be taken to inform overprotective parents of the damage they are unintentionally inflicting on their children.

Decreased confidence and self-esteem.

The problem with helicopter parenting is that it backfires. Parents’ over-involvement in their children’s lives sends a message that parents do not trust their children to successfully complete tasks on their own, resulting in a lack of confidence. This often comes in the form of empty praise. Kids on losing sports teams receive "participation trophies," and young students who bring home average grades are simply told they'll do better next time. But that sort of empty praise has been shown to breed poor performance and unhealthy personality traits in children as they get older because they lack self-assurance and are afraid to fail.

A 2007 study from Columbia University found that kids who are continually told they are smart tend to avoid activities where they do not excel, essentially selling themselves short for fear of failure. For example, consider eight-year-old Tommy who is struggling with reading and writing but is usually bailed out by his parents because they want him to succeed. Instead of writing Tommy’s book report for him, his parents need to make sure he makes an concerted effort to read a book and encourage him to do his best to write his report (with parental help if necessary). If he chooses not to complete the task, he needs to feel the consequences of failure instead of being told he did a wonderful job and next time will do better because he is smart. Parents who constantly instill in their children a false sense of intelligence are setting them up for failure.  Experiencing failure, learning from our mistakes, and making a concerted effort to succeed is how we build confidence and instill self-esteem.

Increased anxiety.

A study from the University of Mary Washington has shown that over-parenting is associated with higher levels of child anxiety and depression. The results deduced that helicopter parenting decreased children’s feelings of autonomy, competence and connection, which according to the “self-determination theory” are three basic needs in order to feel happy. In turn, feelings of incompetency lead to increased feelings of depression and dissatisfaction.

Helicopter parents are constantly full of fear and anxiety that harm will come to their children. As a result, this over-protective behavior can transfer to the child so that they then begin to inherit their parent’s concerns and fears. A parent who is obsessed with hand washing might end up accidentally creating a child who is a hypochondriac or displays obsessive compulsive behavior to wash their hands. Many parents are fearful of their children getting injured while playing with other kids. Some parents might condition their children to shy away from competitive sports activities to avoid feelings of inferiority and defeat. Other parents simply do not trust others and therefore do not allow their children many opportunities to make many friends due to concerns of being out alone or meeting new people. Parents need to allow their kids to make social connections with others and stop transmitting their fears to their children. It is frightening to think that our youth are experiencing higher levels of depression and anxiety than ever before.

Underdeveloped life skills.

Parents, who always pick out outfits, tie shoes, make the bed, and closely monitor academic progress in school, even after children are mentally and physically capable of doing so, prevent their children from mastering these skills. Tying your four-year-old's shoe is not hovering, but tying your 13-year-old's shoe is. On many occasions, my 5^th and 6^th grade students have asked me to tie their shoes, and I am not joking. When I asked them who usually ties their shoes, they told me their mother did. I find this completely ridiculous that children on the verge of entering middle school are not able to tie their shoes or university students do not know how to wash their clothes. These individuals are mentally and physically capable of performing these basic everyday tasks but are incapable of doing so due to coddling parents. How are they going to survive on their own and contribute to society as adults?

Parents are forcing their children to be dependent on them long after what is widely accepted as age-appropriate. Quite simply, they have no sense of independence. Independence should be instilled in children and developed, not stifled, during the different stages of childhood. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that toddlers become more aware of the fact that they are separate from other people as they grow and mature, leading to a sense of independence. Likewise, older children and teens also experience new levels of independence in each stage of development. A helicopter parent's constant hovering can run the risk of suppressing this growth and unknowingly deny their children opportunities to figure things out for themselves. As a result, these children are often lost when they are forced to venture out into the world.

Today we live in a dangerous, unpredictable world. We witness stories of kidnappings, child abuse, abandonment, and violence every day on the news and in stories we hear from others. Helicopter parents have pure intentions and want the very best for their children. They love their children and truly want them to succeed. They strive to form close relationships with them and provide them with positive consistency. They create safe and stable environments for them. They want to help them through challenging and difficult times. If I was a parent, I would want all of these things for my children and probably more. I do worry about the world my children will someday grow up in; survival often seems challenging. As paternal and maternal caregivers, helicopter parents make great efforts to provide their children with all the love and support they feel their children need to survive and mature into adults. I believe they have the best of intentions.

But parents should not live the lives of their children. They need to build confidence and self-esteem by being realistic, which often entails experiencing challenges and separation. They need to let their children fail; failure is how we learn and progress as human beings. They can create happiness by encouraging autonomy, competence and connection with others. Allowing children to learn and develop the skills they need to succeed in life, even though it means they will need to experience and overcome obstacles on their own, will mold them into responsible human beings. They do not need to be monitored every minute of the day for the rest of their lives. Someday, in your older age, you might need them to monitor you, care for you, and provide for you. Stop hovering and let them spread their wings; they are more capable than you realize. Let them go and they will come back.