Helicopter Parents

by Amber Jones

            To all the helicopter parents out there: it’s time for a landing. Helicopter parenting starts with the best intentions and ends with too much, too often, and sometimes too late. (Guelph, 2014).

            Helicopter parents believe that taking good care of their child means hovering, shadowing, overprotecting and taking upon themselves the experiences and failures of their children. (Weston, 2014). Although I believe that they come from a place of love, their constant presence and overbearing need to control actually detracts from their child’s ability to mature and grow. As a result, these children will often have a hard time as they separate from their parents and enter young adulthood. Without having developed many of the necessary skills to function independently in society, school, and within their own home life- the children of helicopter parents will face tremendous difficulties later on. In this opinion editorial, I will explore the different ways that I believe this parenting technique has an effect on children regarding these three areas.

Society

            Children with helicopter parents often grow up without having to take accountability, or face the consequences of their actions. Nancy Piercy is a private practice counselor and co-author of the book Teacher's Tackle Box. She says that children of helicopter parents are “Not getting all the experiences they need. They always have someone else fighting on their behalf, and so ... they're always right or they're always going to have mom or dad outraged and fighting the battle for them. Therefore they are not going through the natural growth where you have to face those things if you're going to live successfully”. The implications for this as the child attempts to become an independent person and active member of society are all too real. In fact it can have an impact on anything from getting a job, to meeting a significant other. With a hindered ability to function independently, such tasks become much more difficult for the person.

            When interacting with peers, these students will face challenges as well- such as recognizing the fact that actually are not able to always be right or get their way. This could create conflict and make it harder for them to get along with others. Later on in life when these children move on to post-secondary education, it is likely they will be lacking the confidence and decision making skills that their peers have already developed. Without the continual presence and influence of their parents, children may experience feelings of anxiety, helplessness or depression. 

School

            Throughout a child’s primary and secondary education especially, the parent can play an important role as a source of support and encouragement. However when parents take this role too far and become overbearing and over-involved, it actually denies students the opportunity to learn for themselves. There are times when the parents may even go as far as to do the homework or coursework for the child, completely defeating the entire purpose of the assignments.

            These parents can also be tough for teachers to deal with, as they are essentially undermining what they are there to do- teach the child and cultivate growth. If the parents are doing homework for the child, or completely taking over ownership over the educational process of the student- nobody wins.

            As I stated before, the effects of helicopter parenting extend into tertiary education as well. Nick Bontis, a former director of undergraduate programs at the DeGroote School of Business, shares his experiences with meeting potential college applicants and their families: “I would meet with families at university fairs, or at high school visits, and the parents always took over the conversation. I would ask directed questions to the applicant, but before his mouth could even open and utter a response, his mother was monopolizing the conversation again”. (Bontis, 2014). When the parent is making all the decisions because they “know what’s best”, they often forget to take into account the opinion of the child. In reality, even if the child makes a poor decision (like picking a college to go to) there is a good chance that they will actually gain valuable insight from the experience and grow as a person.

Home and Family Life

            Helicopter parenting can often reach far beyond the classroom, overflowing into a child’s home and family life. In extreme cases these parents may even accompany children to job interviews, complete essential daily tasks for them (laundry, cooking, etc.), or pick and choose who their child interacts with. Again, this is all done with their best interests in mind- but these parents need to step back and recognize that there is a good chance they are creating the opposite effect.

            With communication technology becoming more advanced and available, students who have grown dependent on their parents as a result of “helicoptering” now don’t have to look very far to perpetuate this dependency. Skype, FaceTime, Facebook, cell phones, and other forms of communication are are available with just the touch of a button- which means access to mom and dad is as well. The problem is that they cannot continue this dependent state forever, as there will eventually come a time when they need to become a more independent person and it is at this point the children of helicopter parents will face challenges.

           

            To be sure, I think it is important to state that helicopter parenting is not all bad- and that the intentions of these parents are simply for their child to have and be the very best. It is also interesting to note that a study out of California concluded helicopter parents reported the higher levels of their own happiness in the parenting world. (Guelph, 2014).

            Jillian Kinzie, the associate director of Indiana University’s Center for Postsecondary Research, attempted to analyze the effects of helicopter parents on students at 750 different colleges. Kinzie concluded that the students of these parents actually tended to have more interactions with the faculty, and were more involved in active/collaborative learning than their peers. Although, their grades were slightly lower. I do however, wonder what these types of interactions were- and if they were actually a demonstration of the students need for constant assistance and affirmation.

            In all fairness, I think that it is a slippery slope from starting out as loving and involved to becoming an overbearing helicopter parent. The constant comparison of students’ achievements can be viewed as a direct reflection on the parents themselves, creating a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This may be part of the reason why we are still seeing a number of these parents taking such control over their child’s lives, even though there is sufficient research to suggest this can actually hurt their development in the long run.

            It is natural to worry about kids getting into a great school, getting the right job, etc. Having control over our kid's lives seems like a logical way to “protect” them a little longer. However, I believe we need to realize that no matter how much we try to protect them- will cannot prevent children from ever failing, getting hurt or being disappointed. It is going to happen at some point or another, and it may as well be while we are still right there to support them through it. These experiences will also help the child in the long run, cultivating growth and independence.

           

            Even though love may be the gas that flies the helicopter (Guelph, 2014), the reality is that children need to fight their own battles and make their own mistakes. If the goal of parenting is to raise a strong, independent, successful adult that can be a happy and functioning member of society- than parents need to step back and allow their children to take some accountability over their own life.